Notes: From An Inexperienced Chili
Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from West Seneca, New York:
Recently Frank was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, mainly
because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called
in sick at the last moment, and Frank happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the
call came. He was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told him
that he could have free beer during the tasting, so Frank accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the
event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster
Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie
in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down
the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian
Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming
Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint
Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yankee.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)
