Share on Facebook

NAME:____________________
GANG NAME:______________________

1.) Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2.) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3.) Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day crack habit?

4.) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5.) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4′s, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6.) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoe that spent his money?

7.) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8.) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9.) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week’s income?

10.) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Share on Facebook

You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”

You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don’t know what a moon pie is.

You’ve never had grain alcohol.

You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don’t have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in  Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.

You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don’t have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on An on*ramp on the highway.

You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

You don’t know what appliqued is.

Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.

You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.

You’ve never been to a craft show.

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

You can’t do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

Share on Facebook

Share on Facebook

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I am from Canisius College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the UB School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from Buff State and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Share on Facebook

6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll d definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:

Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin’ snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:

Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24:

6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’ snowplow.

December 25:

Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -10 and the pipes froze.

December 28:

Warmed up to above -5. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31:

Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Share on Facebook

A Buffalo News reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Sabres Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Buffalo Sabres fan,” the young hero replies.

“Sorry,” replied the reporter, “since we’re in Buffalo, I just assumed you were.” “Bills Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” the reporter continues in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Buffalo Bills fan, either,” the boy responds.

“I just thought everyone in Buffalo was either a Sabres or a Bill’s fan,” replied the reporter, “Whom do you root for?”

“I’m a Toronto Maple Leaf fan,” the boy answers proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Canadian Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

Share on Facebook

“Yes,” he says. “I was in Viet Nam for three years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment,” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes ,100%, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”

The interviewer tells the guy, “OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

Share on Facebook

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is baffled as the guy from Buffalo is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned the heat way up, it’s humid, you’re crushing rocks; why are you so happy?” The guy from Buffalo, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is great! It reminds me of August in Buffalo . Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Buffalo . Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Buffalo is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The guy from Buffalo replies, “This is great! Just like April in Buffalo . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!” The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Buffalo suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the guy from Buffalo unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again shocked at what he sees. The guy from Buffalo is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee. “How can you be so happy? Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the guy from Buffalo throws a snowball at the devil and yells,
-
-
-
“Hell’s frozen over ! This means the BILLS won the Super Bowl.”

Share on Facebook

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.’

Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.’

Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.’

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
‘Fishing or Sex?’

And she said:…………….. ‘Wear sun-block.’

Share on Facebook