3 Guys on Horseback

A guy from Houston, a guy from Toronto, and a guy from Buffalo are out riding horses. The Houstonian pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Torontonian looks at him and says, “What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!” The Houstonite says, “In Texas, there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.”

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Torontonian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.

The guy from Buffalo can’t believe this and says, “What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!” The Torontonian says, “In Canada, there’s plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”

So a while later the Buffalonian pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian. The Texan, shocked, says, “Why did you do that?”

The Buffalonian says, “Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel.”

Are You Polish?

A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish Sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” !

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??”

The clerk says “Well, no.”

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk says “Because this is a hardware store.”

Official Cheektowaga Survey

Name:______________________________

Address: ___________________________
Parish: _______ Volunteer Fire District: __________

Bowling average der (check only one dere)
[ ] 200-225
[ ] 226-250
[ ] 251-275
[ ] 276-300
[ ] above 300
Vehicle dat you own der (check all dat apply)
[ ] Dodge Aries
[ ] Plymouth Acclaim
[ ] Dodge Aspen
[ ] Plymouth Duster
[ ] Dodge Dart
[ ] Plymouth Reliant
[ ] Dodge Shadow
[ ] Plymouth Sundance
[ ] Dodge Spirit
[ ] Plymouth Volare
Vehicle equipped with what der (check all dat apply)
[ ] Light bar on roof
[ ] Scanner
[ ] Motorola 2-way radio
[ ] Bowling ball bag
[ ] Bingo blotters
[ ] Blesset Mother statue
[ ] Infant Jesus statue
[ ] St. Jude statue
[ ] Bobbing head Bills figurine
[ ] Volunteer fire department emblem on grille
Ornaments on your lawn der (check all dat apply)
[ ] Deer
[ ] Deer family
[ ] Flower – plastic spinning
[ ] Gnome
[ ] Goose
[ ] Goose planter
[ ] Lawn jockey (colert)
[ ] Little Bo Peep
[ ] Little Bo Peep wit da sheep
[ ] Orb (shiny)
[ ] Pink flamingo
[ ] Pink flamingo wit da spinningwinks
[ ] Shrine – Blesset Mother
[ ] Shrine – Infant of Prauge
[ ] Shrine – Buffalo Bills
[ ] Silhouette – dog jumping up tree
Religion (check only one der)
[ ] Polish National Catlik
[ ] Roman Catlik
[ ] Non-practisink Catlik
[ ] Buffalo Bills fan
[ ] Volunteer fireman
Bumper stickers:
[ ] “Pray the Rosary”
[ ] “Franczyk for Congress”
[ ] “Gorski for County Executive”
[ ] “I Love my Reliant”
[ ] “Airport Lanes 300 Club”
[ ] Anytink relatink to da Bills
[ ] “Volunteer Firemen do it With More Hose”
Define da following:
1. dupa
2. 7-10 split
3. lawn fete
4. pierogi
5. Dyngus Day
6 fish fry
7. crick
8. spaghetti dinner
9. third round draft pick
10. five alarmer
Favorite recreation:
[ ] Polka dancing
[ ] Bingo
[ ] Goink to da Townpark dere and lookink at da ladies’ dupas.
[ ] Saturday mass
[ ] Suntay mass
[ ] Watchink da Mother Angelica Show on da EWTN channel dere
[ ] Fireman’s Olympics
[ ] Tailgate party in da Rich Stadium parking lot
Where do you have relatives der? (check all that apply)
[ ] In da city near Sycamore (why haven’t dey mooft der?)
[ ] In da city on de olt East Side der, by Brudvay ant Fillmore
[ ] In da city in St. John Kanty’s Parish der
[ ] In da city in Kaisertown der
[ ] In da city in Lovejoy der
[ ] In da city in Black Rock der
[ ] Chickatawaga der
[ ] Sloan der
[ ] Depew der
[ ] Lancaster der (boy, dey must be really rich der)
[ ] Nort Tanawanda der
[ ] Lackawanna der
[ ] Warsaw der (Polant, not da town in Wyomink Cahnty der)
[ ] Gdansk der
[ ] Krakow der
[ ] Elsewhere in da olt country der

Sign here der _________________________

Advice For Damn Yankees Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

7. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

10. If you hear a Texan say, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Lost in a Blizzard

A blonde UB student from downstate got lost in her car in a Buffalo blizzard. She remembered what her dad had once told her: “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snowplow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snowplow came by and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snowplow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m through with the Wegman’s lot, now you can follow me over to Tops.”

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde who had lived in Buffalo all her life wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of Spot coffee, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF HSBC ARENA.”