Lawyer Jokes

[bonedoc33]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[bonedoc33]

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[bonedoc33]

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Old Hippie]

Two lawyers are sitting at a window in a coffee shop. An attractive woman walks by and one says to the other, "Wow, I'd love to screw her."

His companion asks, "out of what?"

[Old Hippie]

THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced
to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for
a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in
a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " New Brunswick .."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000.00 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[Old Hippie]

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."


The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[C.R. Eastes]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck; I'll sue you and take everything you own”.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee”. We settle small disagreements like this with the; "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land; I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get
to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck!"

[C.R. Eastes]

I truly hope the posting of this lawyer joke is not a duplicate to your collection.
You will enjoy this.



A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from ROUND ROCK. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy: "License and registration, please."
Lawyer: "What for?"
Deputy: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
Deputy: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and
registration, please!"
Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy: "Sounds fair, exit your vehicle sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" One Nation, Under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All!

[TrannyMan]

Man, It's so cold today I actually seen a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

[C.R. Eastes]

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant.

What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.