Please note that these links do exist -- but
they're in the process of being shuffled around a little because of some
asshole making an issue of my web sites in court. If one doesn't work today
-- it will very soon. I'm guessing November 30, 2005!
Humans existed as members of small bands
of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the
Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing,
fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal
movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as 'girliemen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with their production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to
the above before simply giggling and forwarding it...
A Conservative will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history
that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers."
A MODERATE, CENTRIST, PROGRESSIVE will recognize this story as misled
humorous satire and forward to both Conservatives AND Liberals...
