Please note that these links do exist -- but
they're in the process of being shuffled around a little because of some
asshole making an issue of my web sites in court. If one doesn't work today
-- it will very soon. I'm guessing November 30, 2005!
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not
for years. They are evil and expensive.
It’s only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility
that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care
for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples
questions about their returns. While she has had no formal training,
it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you
can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to
college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for
that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind she has
a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment so you have the immediate
decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix
the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also
has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the
universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of
overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I’m
quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. May I suggest
you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself someday if you don’t incarcerate him first. In
February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing
houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS
office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost
anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary
dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty
of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I’ll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be
much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of
them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles or telephones. (I’m sure you’ll find the telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on
21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you offset the
pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is
expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying! It’s
quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they
have “helped” raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don’t. The school sends
her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R’s. It added a
refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I’m
sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of “nests” in her room and I think it would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what it’s really made of.
You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it’s only fair you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two
youngest, I’ll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but
then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two
girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military
academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as
I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395
in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
