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Redneck Map of US
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Arkansas Engineer’s License Exam
Arkansas Engineer’s License Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in the front yard?
- 1966 Ford Fairlane
- 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle
- 1973 Ford F-150
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14″. How many Bud Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2 X 6 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When it collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man’s land?
8. A chemical plant operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The plant employs 120 per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
9. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
10. A 2-ton pulp wood truck is overloaded and proceeds down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and non-cracked windshields?
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Letter to Redneck Son
Dearest Redneck Son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here.
It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
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Martha Stewart’s Advice for Rednecks
Martha Stewart’s Advice for Rednecks
General
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.”
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Red Neck Swag
Announcing Old Hippie’s Gift Shop
Point your browser to www.OldHippiesGiftShop.com to scope out some very kool stuff with a Drag Racing, Mopars, and/or Humor Theme.
- T-shirts (White & Colored; Men, women, kids)
- Calendars
- iphones, ipads, & computers
- Household & office
Just tons of kool swag
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My Pet Largemouth
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game
warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a
lake. The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license
please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish??”
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’ mine down to the lake and let
‘em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into
my net and I take ‘em home.”
“What a line of horse sh-t….you’re under arrest.”
The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment Man. I’ll show ya! We do
this all the time!!”
“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a
few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.
The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden!
“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain’t as dumb as some
government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.
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Great Ways to Annoy Damn Yankees
1. Refer to EVERY soft drink as a Coke
2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.
3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
4. Take your own sweet time
5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus!
6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.
7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football and ACC basketball
8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie – John Michael – Jim Bob )
9. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War” Always interject that “there weren’t nothing Civil about it.”
10. Address all males as “son” and women as “little lady.”
11. Everyone you see eating Yankee Food like cream of wheat or clam chowder say “yoo weeee!! That ain’t fit to eat!”
12. Tell em we use to have a lot of prostitutes in the south but the Yankees came down and married them all.
Visit the Damn Yankee web site
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You Might Be a Damn Yankee
You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don’t know what a moon pie is.
You’ve never had grain alcohol.
You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don’t have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don’t have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on An on*ramp on the highway.
You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south you’ve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
You don’t know what appliqued is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You don’t have doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
You’ve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can’t do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
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Redneck Games – ATV Skimming
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Little Larry (Redneck’s Lil Johnny)
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ….’
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Outhouse Humor
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?!”
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Going On Vacation
Thibodeaux and Boudreaux were talking one afternoon when Thibodeaux tells Boudreaux,
“Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation, only this year I’m gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii .. I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested VEGAS and darn me, if Molly didn’t get pregnant again.”
Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s so different?”
Thibodeaux says, “This year I’m taking Molly with me.”!!!
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Cooter and Gomer!
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the coronor pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup,
his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The coronor rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..’
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley ‘
The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Gomer said, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’
‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say:
‘There’s Stanley with them two assholes.’
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Buffy the Blonde Goes to Texas
Buffy the Blonde Goes to Texas
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde), Confided to her co-workers she had three goals .
1. She wanted to taste some real Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bonafide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
‘Let me tell you, they have a tree out there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it’s ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!’
‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes… Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’
They then asked,
‘Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?’
‘Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!’
You Might Be A Redneck
You’re A Redneck When…
You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don’t want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You’ve asked the preacher, “How’s it hangin’?”
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
You’ve spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle.
Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care.
Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the Cops to kiss her a**.
You’ve used lard in bed.
The primary color of your car is “Bondo.”
The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel makes your list of “most admired Americans.”
Your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You see no need for a rest stop because there’s an empty milk jug in the car.
Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side front window of your car.
You barbecue Spam.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Red Man Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you were at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
You prominently display the souvenir you got at Graceland.
When your front porch collapses, three or more dogs die.
You’ve signed a petition to change the national anthem to “Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina.”
You call the boss “Dude.”
You think “Volvo” is part of a woman’s anatomy.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
You’ve been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
You need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
You pass out Styrofoam cups at your wedding reception for people to spit in.
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My New Security Fence
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. And I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, driven 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences… but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. ‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think ‘Oh God, please die… pleeeeze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day… he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created… I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sonofabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT,IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED. HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
The Cowboy Boots
A young Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots.
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy looked up and said, ‘Teacher,
They’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
‘Why didn’t you say so?’, like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him
pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
‘They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.’
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage
she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your Mittens?’
He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’
She will be eligible for parole in three years
Foreigner’s Travel Guide to Texas:
Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful:
1) Don’t expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It’s a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.
2) Don’t laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it’s called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever – it’s still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we’ll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann Richards) . However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin’.
6) Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we’ll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shutup about it. If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we’ll kick your ass.
Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home-before we kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that’s all that matters. Now, go away, or we’ll kick your ass.
11) Don’t complain that certain areas of this state smells of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you’d soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don’t ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they’ll kick your ass-just like they did ours.
13) Don’t think we’re quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we’ll kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
HICKBONICS
HICKBONICS The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI – (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”
BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”
MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”
IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”
RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR – (noun) – A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”
TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tarin my pickup truck.”
TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”
RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country.”
DID – (adjective) – Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR – (noun) – A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!”
BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”
SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”
GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”
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Tags: HICKBONICS
