1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or
get out of the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't
like it? I-20 & I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north &
south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're not impressed. We have
quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks
a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming
in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to everyone,
regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order
steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's salad &
pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, & breads. We use 3 spices ... salt,
pepper, & Pace's Picante Sauce.
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house, she
better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck & have long
hair.
13. High School Football is as important here as the
Lakers & the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards, it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an
education & a love for God & country, & they still wave at
passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines & Air Force
than any other state, so "Don't Mess With Texas." If you do,
it will get your butt whipped.
17. Also, remember what our great Governor Sam Houston once
said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the
United States can't make it without Texas."
