Foreigner's Travel
Guide to Texas:
Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in
Crawford, Texas and soon will be drawing a number of people
to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways.
They might find the following advice useful:
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at
the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and
chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If
you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby
Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or
we will HAVE to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas
it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi,
RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept
it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than
you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated
and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a
bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H.
Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally,
sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann
Richards) . However, we are not dumb enough to let someone
move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If
anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had
listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond
instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat
off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the
humidity is, so shutup about it. If you can't stand the heat
get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing
their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that
you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain
that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this
will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home
because we know they are not. Many of us have visited
Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we
have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta
is ready when you are. Move your ass on home-before we kick
it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this
way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care
if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans
understand what we are saying and that's all that matters.
Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smells
of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd
soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or
rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am.
We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old
folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave
yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers,
or they'll kick your ass-just like they did ours.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us
live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense
to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make
fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will
get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the
barbecue and you may go home in a pine box-minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be
here in the first place is because we have not pulled the
Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red
River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
